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AmoSarve
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Name: Amos
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Cincinnati
Birthday: 1/19/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: love Jesus, go to Cincinnati Bible College, love hockey, a huge Philadelphia Flyers fan, somnewhat of a Columbus Bluejackets fan, will either play soccer or rugby in the fall, and i'm a mullethunter.
Expertise: being Amos. I'm really good at that.and i try to know as much about the Bible and Jesus and the Flyers as i can, nothing close to an expert though...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  AmoSarve
Member Since:
10/15/2003
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| life at the moment is... life. the ministry position that i want is not even officially accepting applications until mid january. while i like the job i have and percieve myself to be ok at it, it's not ministry. the more i'm out of ministry related things, the more i see my time and talents wasted. i've come to realize that i want to have some level of decision making leadership more than i ever thought. i don't have to be "the guy" but i really want to be a go to guy in a ministry. it calls to me. but all that is in god's hands and it feels like i'm waiting a long time for a reason i can't see. especially if i don't get this job, which is very likely. i feel like i'm spinning my tires or reving my engine for hours waiting for a race that seems like it'll never start. for several reasons, i don't think i'm gonna give presents this year for christmas. except for my mom, and that's more becuase her birthday is dec 24th. anyways, if your a prayer, pray for peace of mind for me and pray that this camp makes the right call. | | |
| ok. i do know that jesus will. but anyways, this is a prime example of god using his people as his messengers to tell us what we need to hear. anyways, after this talk i have decided to do somethings about my life. i was totally right when i said in an earlier post that all i could change was myself. but i need to change my outlook and what i'm chasing and work on being who i want to be. that's what wasn't working. my focus has been on the world as of late, even though my relationship with god is going better than it has been. which is probably how i now see that i've been focused on the wrong things. jobs, girls, finances, etc. i tried to get a job... no job. i let god find a job for me... i have a job. but also in all of this, and this sounds really gay and corny, i realize that i'm not the me i want to be. i'm so unsure of myself becuase of what i don't have and what i'm not getting and have chased that stuff so much that when i find something or someone specific to chase, i mold myself into something acceptable for them. i honestly don't know when the last time was that i stood for something i wanted vs something or someone else. i like being easy going to a degree, but i've become way way too easy going. i'm way to accepting and way to bending. but when i think of stuff that i want in life, it's something that i have thrown away for so long that i don't even remember what it was anymore. so in an effort to keep this "dammit, what i want matters and what i want for my life matters" feeling going, because it feels pretty good, i'm gonna do some stuff that i have scoffed at in the past. 1. bucket list. a list of things that i want to do before i die. my goal is to have 100 things on the list before september is over. some of them even can be recurring for every year or something. 2. i want to make a list of what i want and don't want in my wife. ranging from "that'd be nice" to "essential" and from "overlookable" to "absolute deal breakers". along with that i want to figure out what i really want to be for her. 3. i want to make a schedule for myself. i need to block time to do stuff that i want to do, like exercise, read (btw- i'm on a reading kick, which is super wierd for me. super duper uber wierd.), god time, hang out with people i havn't in a while, etc. make my life what i want it to be. i know these sound really gay and as much as i think it's kinda gay, i'm also really excited to do them. i really feel like i've been lost in other stuff for way too long, and it'll be nice to be truly happy again. i feel like this stuff will really help. thanks for listening to my even-more-incoherent-than-normal thoughts.
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| well i got a job at a kroger photolab in fairfield, oh. so that's good. i'm compiling my resume for a part time youth ministry, but i don't want to start one until i get my schedule down with kroger. and they have a cincinnati bell kiosk in the store, so they want to crosstrain me for that. after i find a part time ministry i'll relocate based on where that is compared to kroger. it's really nice being out of school. and yes, i know full well that god could send me back there, but i really don't see that happening any time within the next few years. last post i was pretty frustrated, which based on how fresh the content being written about makes sense. now i'm at a stage where all my emotional focus is on being better friends with my best friend and trying not to hate his wife. i don't know if you guys know this, but most of my friendships are fairly shallow. proximity friendships, if you will. probably 95% of me getting my feelings out is not telling real people, it's telling my computer. just so happens i do it in a format you can read. i'm not the type to lie when asked, i just don't volunteer the info on my own very often. this includes my best friend. it makes it easier that he's relatively the same way. but i and he and we have tried somewhat in the past to correct this, but it fades after a while. but i feel like he's even more distant now that he's married. and it probably doesn't help that i have not liked his wife very much in the 5 or so years i have known her. but i gave myself a battle plan to be more open to him and to hate his wife. man i hate that... lady. so hopefully that goes well for me. hope all is well with you.
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| ok this shit is getting pretty fucking ridiculous. am i destined to be alone or some shit? i had to do a dtr (define the relationship) last night to see what was going on in this girls brain. and from all possible indicators, she was at least remotely into me. turns out i'm an idiot and there was none of that at all. i'm just so tired of this. what is wrong with me that i can't find someone to even date. not even for a little while. like, i thought this one was pretty much already something i knew, it just needed to be clarified. but i could not have been more wrong. but hey on the bright side i'm letting the girls reject me instead of me rejecting myself for them. at least when i do the work for them they don't have to feel awkward about being friends. it's so hard to have hope when the no's staggeringly outweigh the yes's. and it's not like any of the... oh yeah... 2 people that have said ok in the past 7 years have worked out that great. don't get me wrong. i think we're designed to be with someone. i'm designed to be with someone. but what if no one is designed to be with me? winners never quit, and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots. i really wish i could say i give up and stop caring. but that's the problem. i do care. a lot. and nothing is changing. nothing is getting better. i fear my time in cincy is extremely limited. seems like places of employment desire me as much as females do right now, which is not at all. but hey i shouldn't be suprised. i was honest when i filled out the personality test things at the end of all of them. maybe if i was the exact opposite of who i am now, things might turn the exact opposite, which would be awesome. all i know is this isn't working, so something needs to change. and the only thing i can change is myself.
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| i feel kind of like the office space guy right now. and i can't remember his freakin' name. i wanna say mike because of mike judge, but it's not. anyways, he says at the therapists office that every day of his life is the worst day of his life. this is kind of how i feel right now. never in life have i had less direction or less relevance. never have i been so sure that i'll never marry or have kids or anything like that. never have i truly felt meaningless, like a replacable gear in the world machine, a gear that right now does not have a spot. i have no reason to stay in cincy and no reason to go anywhere else. whatever job i get will mean nothing execpt somebody will pay me instead of someone else. oh well. i guess this is what life is.
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